Tears that will stain my heart forever

It's been a rough journey leading up to Jordan's departure. Our lives have changed in a blink of an eye. 

I am writing  this today, (Monday, Aug 26th) but plan to not post it until our return from bringing Jordan back east. The reason for this being that I don''t want her to see this blog because if she did I think it would make it even harder for her to leave. 

Tonight we had a nice family meal and spent time looking back on all our good and some bad memories. We laughed hard and we cried harder. 

I went to my room closed the door and began to journal. My heart ripped into pieces, chicken scratched and soaked in tears on those pages. 

Through my tears clouding over my eyes so I could not see where I was writing I still managed to write my heart out.

I would give anything to keep Jordan here with me. My own healing so she wouldn't have to go. But alas, it's not my will be done but His. 

I have to keep telling myself that I am so grateful she is doing the Lord's will.  It comes to show that change is hard. We all need it, we all want it, but the going through it is what makes it difficult to accept. 

So many days I look back on now wishing I had spent more time with my big sis. Things happen for a reason right? We just don't always understand that reason.

I wish I could say I want to be the oldest. If you had told me I was going to be the "master of the house" a couple years ago I would have grinned from ear to ear. Now I sit in sorrow. I do not want to be the oldest. I want things to be how they were, how they should be.

   

My best friend is moving away. My heart is cracked right down the middle. I know God has amazing plans for her and all of us though. I just have to let go no matter how badly I do not want to. 

Pray for me. Pray for my sister. Pray for my family.

I need to surrender my pride in wanting to be strong. I can't lift this load alone. Nor can I be the brick wall I pretend to be. I am weak, and hurting. 

God take care of Jordan and help me to accept your plans.

This is all I can write for now..

To be continued.