Decode my Heart

Thursday. I was emotional. Hence the past few facebook posts and blogs that may have had you wondering. I like to talk in code. I like to keep what is in my heart a secret. I pretend to be a brick wall. Yet, I am like the likes of Jericho.

I had a doctor appointment with a new neurologist. She was great. Can't complain about her.

No new news. No bad news.

However something inside me was shaking me. Reminding me of my brokenness. I was on the verge of tears in the office. I held it together.

Then I heard the word needle and I came undone.

Sitting there on that table, 18 years old, and blubbering. I couldn't catch my breath.

The sad thing was, she was only going to check to make sure I could feel.

She didn't end up using the needle, yet I couldn't control myself.

Was it really even about the needle?

No.

It was about the long line of appointments I had behind me and ahead of me.

I hated knowing my siblings were fine and out in the waiting room giggling and laughing to their own will.

It's been a hard road...

I still have miles to go.

Though my heart seem cracked, my body crippled, and my feelings depressed.

I keep going.

I write this not so you pity me or agree with me that this sucks.

I write this to breathe.

To inhale words of peace and exhale negativity.

He is in control. He is the One with the plan. He is my strength and my shield. He will protect me.

Yes, even from the doubts and sadness that fill my mind.

I will cling to Him. I will put my trust in Him.

He will cure my heart. My emotions. My being.

As I write all this, I want each of you to know that I am not depressed. Nor feeling bad for myself.
However you may think otherwise from previous descriptions.
My pain comes and goes. Yet He remains with me.
Jesus will carry me. His Holy Spirit will lead me.

~With God all things are possible~    

Matthew 19:26