V. Healing when I wasn't looking

I have still had to go to Children’s for check ups and I admit still don’t rejoice in making the trip over for the reasons I listed before.
I continue going to the Heart Doctor here in town for my pace maker check ups. My family, friends and I still build awareness with our t-shirts and fun runs. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts. I’ve accepted where I am at in life. It’s not always going to be easy, that’s for sure. I’ll still have my doubting moments. But Jesus Christ won’t let me perish. He’s in control. And my OCD self is going to have to accept that. No excuses.

Though this past year 2012 was a huge turning point in my life I still hit some bumps in the road.

In September my parents told us they were expecting but a few weeks later my mom miscarried. This was our families fourth miscarriage. The loss of the baby really affected me. I was old enough to realize the hurt my parents were going through. It was hard to praise God in that storm. But my parents showed us how to accept God’s will. It was another one of life’s mysteries where we can’t get the answers we want.

I began having stomach pain to the point where I thought I was going to puke every night. I was so sure it was nerves over school or what I had going on during the week. We tampered with my medications and took some pills out and added some pills in the cocktail. It seemed to be helping a little but not enough. One day I came to mom complaining about how badly my stomach was hurting me. She didn’t know what she could do any more so she suggested I try going gluten free. I was pretty sure my mom was crazy. I didn’t want to own up to the idea that I could be gluten free. That would mean I’d have to stop you know eating bread. And another type of bread is hamburger buns and you get those at McDonalds. (Pause. Moment of silence for the golden arches)

I was willing and unwilling all at the same time to give this gluten free business a try. Boy did I complain. Still do. Turns out however mom’s diagnosis was correct. Bread does make me feel like I’m going to die. Maybe those aren't the right words to describe my pain....oh well. You get the picture.

Spring of 2012 I decided to go on Search. My older sister said it was amazing and that I’d love it. But I was so sure she was brainwashed on the retreat. Why? Because church camps aren’t fun. (cus I’ve been on so many.) Eye roll. (This is my dry sense of humor speaking) 

 

I told her yah I’ll go thinking in my head I’ll just decide not to go at last minute. Well that didn’t work out.

Search happened because I know people were praying for me to be willing to go. Ahem…those who prayed, YOU know who you are. ;) 

I got in the car to head out and as we pulled out of the parking lot I said in my head, "Crap." (My apologies to all small children who just read that word.) This is it. No turning back. I’m stuck. How’s this Search thing going to work out if I’m an introvert? If I’m reserved when it comes to opening up sharing and I can’t stand to cry in front of others? 

The group showed up at the retreat and well turned out everyone there was awesome! I was open, I did cry, and I did have fun! I'm not lying and the parish isn’t even paying me to tell you this! 

In all seriousness Search showed me how to look for the good in others. Not to judge a book by it’s cover. To just accept where God had me and love the people I was spending time with. That weekend was God opening up a window into my heart. It will definitely be a 2012 favorite highlight.

Around the same time as search I was encouraged, encouraged, encouraged to attend Steubenville NW. I was told it was so awesome and so powerful! Completely life changing. Being some what human I didn’t like the idea of change. I told our youth minister, Jen, I’d go to Steubenville North West but was thinking “something might just come up” so I could get out of it. (Yikes. That sounds really bad.)

I helped fund raise and was totally thrilled to hang out with the group that was going. Up until the day before we left I was ready to back down. If it wasn’t for friends I knew who were going, silver wood and the contract I believe I signed I would’ve faked a pacer attack. (Trust me it's been done. HEY DILLON! Wanna play KICK THE CAN?!?)

Again I got in the rig and swallowed all my fears however I told my self if one person raises their hands up in prayer I’m going to hitch hike my little person back home to Kennewick. 

Well guess who had the best time ever? Guess who cried? Guess who loved the talks? Guess who sang along to every song? Guess who raised their hands in prayer? This girl. Another 2012 highlight! Our group was so amazing and so unforgettable! Moral of the story is trust your youth minister, friends, family & suck it up.       

While I was there in Spokane I had this feeling like maybe I am not going to be healed. And that’s okay. If I am healed I will praise God and if I’m not I will praise God. I just don’t need to sit and dwell on what I can’t control. It’s taken me a while to figure that out. I expect that I will have down days where I am having a bad case of "poor me’s" but if I don’t let it keep me down I will conquer the devil and show that "no good for nothing" who is Boss.