Part II Forgiven Forever

Quick review of where I've been in school. Public. Private and now home schooled. I'd try telling ya'll that I was kicked out of the previous two but no one ever seems to believe that. Truth is, it was just what my family decided to do. No matter where I've been schooled at though I have never liked school. I mean never liked school!

 If you talked with my family members, especially my mother, then they could tell you all the times of how I would SCREAM AND YELL, lock my self in my room, run away, beg to drop out and fight until I was exhausted in every way just so I could get out of spending a few hours doing work that everyone has to do.

It has taken me six years to understand that. And I look back on my stupid immature behavior and want to take back all the mean awful idiotic selfish things I said or did. This sounds really mild in words. However the hurt I caused my mom and the rest of my family I still feel guilty for causing them.

With everything going on in my life I was exhausted and wanted to give up. When school got hard and I’d fight my mom or I didn’t want to go to the doctor I’d scream and sob and threaten to kill myself.


I tried suffocating myself in a pillow and the only other time I told my mom I was going to use a knife to stab myself. My life I felt had no more meaning to it. I wasn’t thinking of others or what God wanted. I’d go to church, I’d still pray, I’d beg for God to take KSS away. I tried getting my parents to send me away to my family members in Idaho so I could go to school over there and have a better life. I was trying to solve my problems by avoiding my problems.

I was an emotional roller coaster. I told my mom I didn’t want to live any more. She and I cried together. She said she is going to need to find a counselor for me and I am going to need to take anti depressant medications. Through my tears I begged her to not make me go to a counselor and I begged her not to make me take medicine. I was so against talking with some one I didn’t know and who didn’t know about my life. And I was so sure that the medicine would turn me into something fake and robotically happy. 

We agreed that I would try hard to work against my harmful thoughts (not only suicide thoughts but thinking negatively about myself) even though it would be difficult.  

I admit I am ashamed of my behavior. It's hard opening up about such things wondering what people will think of me. However I know that the only opinion that matters is God's. He has forgiven me forever. 

The next year in April of 2010, I told my mom I wanted to go to Lourdes, France to be healed.