IV The Spring is not for me

When we left for Lourdes I felt nervous, excited, frightened and pressured. I had all these wonderful people praying their hearts out for me to be healed and what if I wasn’t? Would they stop believing in God? All these thoughts and feelings were just streaming through my body. I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I could go on forever about all that we did in Lourdes, but I think I’ll save that for another day. I will say that when we went to the baths which were a temperature of 53 degrees. I had the same emotions and was just repeating over and over “Please Jesus! Please Jesus!”

I didn’t know if I was to expect instant healing where my eyes would just widen right up and my strength would be restored. I didn’t know if it was going to be a slow process. I had to be patient.

We took with us baby booties for those who want to have kids but can’t or are struggling. We also took with us prayer intentions from those who asked us to bring with us their intentions. When our dear friend Fr. Bruce said Mass at the Grotto we had the booties and the prayer intentions on the altar. We brought the booties back home and gave them to the couples we had been praying for. Four couples had miraculously now been able to have kids.

In all honesty I was home sick while in Lourdes. Home sick before we left the house. So when I got home I was relieved to be home but very bitter. I was mad at God for not healing me right then. I stopped praying my night prayers. (as dorky as that sounds.) I took all my holy icons off my shelves and removed my picture of Jesus off my wall. I still went to Mass every weekend though but just felt so far from God compared to how I had been feeling. I felt like God wasn’t listening to me. When really I wasn’t listening to God. 

I don’t think I can tell you when I came out of my God doesn’t care phase. I know it didn’t last terribly long but thinking about it~a short amount away from God is too long. I don’t remember what triggered changing my heart. God walked with me through it all though. When I thought I could get rid of Him, He had another plan.