Healing Within
February 11th, the feast day of Our Lady of Lourdes.
Most everyone who knows me knows I was given the gift of my heart's longing to go to Lourdes, France.
What may or may not be known is how hard it was.
In all my words I say, I speak not to complain but to express from within.
This pilgrimage was extremely frightening. The weight of my future depended all on something I could not control. The pressure of feeling I had to be healed for the trip to be worth everyone's time and involvement.
Not only was it terrifying it was frustrating. I don't even know if that's a strong enough word to describe my emotions at the time.
I was wanting, wishing, hoping, praying, begging for the shazam moment in the bath. The moment when everything would be normal in appearances and within. Specifically wanting my eyes to change.
The Pentecostal, tongues of fire, dove descending, red sea parting did NOT happen. I was crushed.
Then I was reminded of a slow healing. Who wants that? I like fast and furious.
It was hard accepting this. It was hard hiding I really wasn't accepting this.
I was on a roller coaster of highs and lows the rest of the journey. Fighting my anger. My brokenness.
I came home and felt far from God. Distant from his love. I removed Him from my life out of anger.
For the longest time I couldn't listen to "Healing Begins", a song by Tenth Ave. North.
It was the rest of my family's theme song but I wanted no part of it. I was a hurting soul.
While on the pilgrimage a promise was made that we would return to Lourdes after I am healed. I scoffed and shook my head at this. I did not want to go back. One reason being a home body but the other being doubtful of his healing power.
Now I think back and remember how beautiful that journey was. How much I grew closer to Him through Our Lady and St. Bernadette though it was not easy nor how I would have wanted.
I can't tell you when or how I came around. How I fell in love with Him again. How I trusted Him again. All I can say is it's part of the slow healing of my brokenness.
Will you join me in offering this day for all of us who are broken in one way or another?
Will you surrender with me into His care?
Will you do whatever He asks of you?
Will you continue to pray with me for healing through the intercession of St. Bernadette and Our Lady of Lourdes?
Most everyone who knows me knows I was given the gift of my heart's longing to go to Lourdes, France.
What may or may not be known is how hard it was.
In all my words I say, I speak not to complain but to express from within.
This pilgrimage was extremely frightening. The weight of my future depended all on something I could not control. The pressure of feeling I had to be healed for the trip to be worth everyone's time and involvement.
Not only was it terrifying it was frustrating. I don't even know if that's a strong enough word to describe my emotions at the time.
I was wanting, wishing, hoping, praying, begging for the shazam moment in the bath. The moment when everything would be normal in appearances and within. Specifically wanting my eyes to change.
The Pentecostal, tongues of fire, dove descending, red sea parting did NOT happen. I was crushed.
Then I was reminded of a slow healing. Who wants that? I like fast and furious.
It was hard accepting this. It was hard hiding I really wasn't accepting this.
I was on a roller coaster of highs and lows the rest of the journey. Fighting my anger. My brokenness.
I came home and felt far from God. Distant from his love. I removed Him from my life out of anger.
For the longest time I couldn't listen to "Healing Begins", a song by Tenth Ave. North.
It was the rest of my family's theme song but I wanted no part of it. I was a hurting soul.
While on the pilgrimage a promise was made that we would return to Lourdes after I am healed. I scoffed and shook my head at this. I did not want to go back. One reason being a home body but the other being doubtful of his healing power.
Now I think back and remember how beautiful that journey was. How much I grew closer to Him through Our Lady and St. Bernadette though it was not easy nor how I would have wanted.
I can't tell you when or how I came around. How I fell in love with Him again. How I trusted Him again. All I can say is it's part of the slow healing of my brokenness.
Will you join me in offering this day for all of us who are broken in one way or another?
Will you surrender with me into His care?
Will you do whatever He asks of you?
Will you continue to pray with me for healing through the intercession of St. Bernadette and Our Lady of Lourdes?
I can now listen to this song and even sing along.
Thank you Jesus.
Exactly the story I told the Missionaries of Charity today. They were very moved! Great article...
ReplyDeleteFr. Bruce, I cannot thank you enough for journeying with my family and I. We could not have had the experience we had without you. Definitely a gift and a blessing. Smiling as I think back on the memories of that pilgrimage. Here we go big team, here we go! I'd say it in French but not sure how to spell the phrase correctly. ;-)
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